The Truth Is.. I wasn’t So Tough As I Thought…
I’ve realized it has been quite some time since I’ve taken a moment to think, reflect on my life and where I’m heading.
2015 has been one of my most incredible years of my life. Probably one of the top five highs ever in my life with the release of my first novel. 2015 includes my top five incredible lows, being slandered publicly and privately with no end in sight.
Over the past two years something shifted within me. I wasn’t satisfied with average, with just feeling as though I’m floating through my life with no purpose or greater plan. If I’m honest and if anyone has read any of my other blog posts, honest is all I do… cancer got a hold of me in 2009. Fear, anxiety and stress followed as I navigated through my treatment and finding my way again after cancer took some adjustment. For a few years the fear still overpowered my dreams. The question “What if cancer is back?” haunted my thoughts all of the time even though I continued to move through life with the speed of light.
Finally at year five-post cancer, something started to shift within me. In cancerland, year five is a golden year, a year with new chances new hope of what is to come. I’m still seeing my doctors, I’m not really released from cancer entirely, I’ll always be closely monitored but for the most part I’ve been given the green light to live and enjoy my life!
Now I was embracing my cancer free status. Cancer is no longer my focal point. With a new team of pretty damn good doctors I began to rebuild my life, I woke up and realized the fear that haunted me daily was dissipating and in it’s place was a fierce liberated women who no longer gave a shit about what people thought about me or how I live my life. At least that’s what I thought I believed….
Over the past year and a half I had a renewed sense of life, and for the first time in my whole life I saw myself living past 40 years old. With that new found hope I began to dream, hope and re-examine everything I stood for, and how I wanted my life to go for the next twenty years. I was awoken in a way to something special, to the gift of health and life and I have promised myself to not let it pass by me half hazard.
I want my days, my goals and my intentions to be that of lifting people up, doing good for humanity just for goodness sake.
But my path, my goals and my high on life all came crashing down when the carpet got pulled from under me by lies and accusations that I could not stop.
The girl who I thought I was so proud of, you know the one I just mentioned… the girl who didn’t give a shit about what others thought of her? Yeah that one.. well that girl, didn’t handle it very well.
I went from being on top of my life, centered whole and full of purpose and goals to feeling like I was shattered into a thousand pieces within a matter of days.
I was so angry with myself, and an inner battle began to take place. Everything froze, projects, dreams and in it’s place my heart filled heavy with sorrow and shock with a relationship that I was led to believe was trustworthy, only to find out it was built on lies the entire time.
I’m embarrassed to admit, that I let the negativity of others, the slander of others really fuck with my head. I also let others negativity suck some of the life out of me. As soon as I thought I was ignoring and moving forward, another accusation would pop up, another lie and it felt as though another kick in the stomach.
This went on for months, hence the quietness on my blog, posts and in my general writing. Thinking back on the past six months I’ve realized I wasn’t so tough at all. In fact words really do hurt, lies really can knock the wind out of someone.
But today, over the past two weeks I’ve vowed to not be in this situation ever again. Will someone be rude to me again? Lie to me? Accuse me of comical accusations? Of course, especially when I’m not slowing down and I’m back at it, doing my thing working hard to make a positive impact on others. Two much precious time has been wasted… and tomorrow is not promised, I don’t want to waste more energy or thoughts into negative people. There is simply too much goodness in this world, too much love to give.
In life we are faced with all kinds of challenges, health, financial or whatever they may be. It’s up to us to seize the challenge and work through them, feel the emotions that come, process and move forward hopefully a stronger and better person for them.
Today I am excited to say I’ve finally let the crazy go… the lies, the accusations and the drama of it all. It may have taken me six months to really say enough is enough but I’m there.
Are you struggling finding your place again? Finding your groove? Here’s a little tip that has been helping me. Start your day off with a “Thankful For” Write it down, say it aloud whatever you need to do. Just stop, reflect and pick something you are grateful for. Believe me there are hundreds of things all around us to be thankful for, you just have to look.
Starting our day off with a grateful spirit can center you and re-focus on remind us that there is greater purpose to our lives. The hustle and bustle of our lives can take a toll but only if we let it. I saw a quote two weeks ago that really struck a chord. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting and taking ownership of my own actions. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is this… and what I know is that I don’t want to associate with it, nor do I want to create drama. So I wipe my hands and walk away… ignore and live my life.
So finally I think I can honestly say I’m back. I’m so excited for the future and what is to come. I’m excited to launch book number two in a couple of months. I’m thrilled to say we have an incredible team for our non-profit and we are focused and ready to give without restrictions.
So there it is… my truth, my struggles but now my sunshine that shines bright all around me once again. I choose the sunshine, not the cloudy skies. Trust in your soul, yourself. Ask yourself this? I am I being honest? Am I truthful with my words? Do I live a life that uplifts people rather than tear people apart? We are the only ones that know our hearts the best. Then trust yourself, your intentions and go on with your life with your head held high.
So as a new school year is upon us, with our children going back to school, what is it you want to accomplish? What is it you want to let go of? What is one dream you want to see fulfilled this coming year? Let me tell you, when you do accomplish it, there is no other high like it! Don’t let your life pass you by, be an active participant and see what you are capable of!