Own Your Sh#t
Before I go more into the title of this post, I wanted to give a heartfelt shout out of thanks to so many of you. I was overwhelmed with the amount of private messages or texts after my last blog post. I appreciate each of you reaching out and offering words of encouragement. So thank you!
I also want to proceed with caution as I go forward with my writing. I write to process, I write to learn lessons. I write on topics I’m dealing with. I’m not here to preach, to stand on a pedestal and claim I know it all. In fact I write because I have no clue, just trying to figure out this messy beautiful life of mine.
One of the biggest lessons of going through a divorce is acknowledging and accepting your shit. I’m talking to myself here too. Honestly I guess this is true in any relationship, marriage, co-worker,parent etc. It’s so easy to point the finger to someone else and blame them for everything. But to truly grow as a human we have to acknowledge our mistakes, our ugly side. Relationships of any kind need honesty and compromise and ownership of wrong doings.
Maybe there is a time for this, the blame game? Is it possible we need to dig it all up the past hurts, the wounds to give us the strength to move on? Think about it, wanting a new job? Don’t you start thinking about all the things you don’t like about your current job? Or new house, same thing. When you leave something old for something new is there a brief moment of time where you have to break up with the old. Think and ponder a lot about all the things you don’t like about the old so you can move to the new?
What if it’s the same way with divorce, a necessary step in your healing process? Here’s the problem though or at least for me. To start making the step to separate, to be strong enough to move on I began to play what I call as a life cassette tape. Remember those? You could press rewind and listen to the quiet hum of the tape rewinding backwards. I think many have this in our minds. A cassette that plays over and over on different scenario or things that have happened in our past. Maybe you re-live a good memory or if you are like me you re-live something or some things that were terrible. Rewinding, playing and then rewinding again over and over again. What started off to be a tool for me to leave, to have the courage to expect more in my life, started to turn into a horrible mantra… a victim chant. To let the person go, or old home you have to cut yourself off from them or it. Emotionally start to detach. What helps to detach?? The blame game reminding yourself of all the things you don’t like helping the process of detachment easier in many ways. But ultimately it could also keep you in a terrible, ugly holding pattern creating more damage than good.
Looking back this went on for a very long time. The mantra began innocently I believe, but in time that mantra created a deep rooted anger inside me that eventually turned into a daily rage. This rage shook me, jolted me and some days I didn’t even recognize the person I’d become. Instead of seeing the half cup full, I began looking at life with a jaded, sinister perception. Relieving nightmares, bad times is never a good idea. It may serve a brief purpose but then you MUST STOP hitting the rewind button if you’re ever going to start to heal and move on with your life.
We all are guilty in past relationships that have gone wrong. We have to own our shit! I have to own my shit. Rather than constantly putting the blame on others sometimes we have to pause and actually look within ourselves to find all the mistakes we made. Constantly living in a “victim” state of mind is no way to live. It keeps you paused, it keeps you from personal growth and can hurt future relationships. There comes a time, when rather than hitting the rewind button yet one more time, you hit the play button… you let life just play on… no more looking backwards. No more dredging up the past, no more pointing fingers. You just start to live. You learned to own your shit, admit your failures and start to re-build.
Living a life of hate, anger and rage doesn’t serve anyone any good. Not your ex friend, ex husband/wife or anyone that has crossed your path and caused you pain. What it does do, is causes you pain, deep pain over and over again. Your normal becomes darkness and who wants to live in darkness? This can be an extremely task, to let go and move on. Sometimes it still sneaks up, the memories the pain but it’s a conscious choice to not hit the rewind button. To really live in peace and forgiveness.
Owning our shit, accepting it and learning from mistakes is part of what makes life beautiful. We’re not perfect, far from it. We all screw up, say things we regret immediately. We ruin friendships by selfishness, or not being trustworthy. We screw up all of the time. But it we can’t see our mistakes or own them how can we truly heal and be a whole person? Maybe it’s time to change our mind’s mantra? Maybe instead of wishing horrible things to a person who’s harmed us we wish peace and happiness. Rather put all the blame on someone else, we share in the blame. Maybe it’s not really your truth at first, but one day you may realize it really is your truth. You may wake up and realize you’re happier, you’re not really angry anymore and you don’t look at yourself as a victim. (know you’ll still have a few of those pissed off kind of days, but they’re few and in between) In fact when you look in the mirror you see a strong, loving, whole person starring back at you, a person you’ve always wanted to be.