One Step Forward, Three Steps Back… My Life As I Divorce
I’ve realized today thanks to a note in my inbox on facebook, that I’ve paused my life. I pretty much stopped blogging, stopped working on any new projects and decided to hibernate for over two years. Thanks to the message about my blog this morning then a follow up coffee I realized it’s time to speak up. It’ s time for me to be transparent about this process and stop being afraid of hurting others or saying the wrong thing. I blogged about my cancer, other life events yet I’ve only blogged once about my situation.
The real truth of the matter is that I wish this on no one. Truth is… it fucking sucks to dismantle a marriage, a friendship a family. So it’s time for me to get back to the basics and start writing my journey. I’m hopeful I’ll even learn a little more through the process, gain more insight and hopefully just maybe help others along the way. You will feel so alone that what you’re forced to do is really take a hard look at your soul. You realize the things you absolutely hate about yourself, the mistakes you’ve made. If you choose, this can be a truly wonderful time to begin to rebuild and start new. Creating yourself as the person you’ve always wanted to be.
I have no idea what this will look like, how much I will share or who will even give a crap but whatever, I don’t seem to really care about what people think these days anyways. What I do hope is through my blog I can remember this time in my life, see how strong I really was even when I felt weak and alone. I hope that one day as I look back I’ll be in love again, happy and very proud of this person I am today. Because, she finally decided to take care of herself, love herself and believed she was worthy of more.
My break up has been going on for years. Many people have that one moment, when things broke whether that is an affair revealed or a tragedy that just couldn’t be overcome. But for me… for my marriage it was a hundred things over the years that stacked higher and higher, got heavier and heavier until finally everything just crumbled and we, or I was left feeling broken into a thousand pieces.
I’m not sure what is worse, the short and quick break up or the long and drawn out ones. I’m guessing the long and drawn out. Emotionally it’s been over for years, officially for two years. The divorce is pending and this summer I should be officially a divorcee. Honestly the best situation is when it’s mutual.
If you haven’t been here, in my shoes it may be hard to truly understand all the different emotions that come with a break up like this. Many refer to divorce as a death and damn… that about sums it up. Except with a death, you no longer see that person again. This is… well you have to see that person again, over and over again…. even when you wish you could never see them again period. You have to relieve things, talk about things and make hard decisions in the midst of grieving. Best advice people gave me but unfortunately didn’t really listen. Divorce as quickly as you can while you still are friends. REALLY!!! TAKE THE ADVICE AND RUN TO THE COURTHOUSE!
One day you hate your ex, one day you miss them, one day you want them to just find peace and happiness. Oh and the tears you shed, just grab a large bucket and carry it with you every day. Make sure Kleenex is in the car, in your bedroom, in your kitchen, in your purse, just stock up you’ll need it. Life is truly an unstable roller coaster. One day you may feel as though you have your shit together, you’re relieved with your decision and know 100% it was the right one. The next day you feel as though you can barely breathe because you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life. But you know when you think this you’re just scared right? Scared to be alone, scared no one will ever love you, scared you may be too broken to be loved. Scared you’ve damaged your kids and just plain scared.
It’s a constant game of one step forward, three step backwards. Get used to it, embrace it and don’t hide from the feelings. I was a huge brush it under the rug kind of girl. Except now, that girl is gone. No more hiding from my emotions, no more ignoring the raw pain inside on some days. I’ve chosen to cry when I need to, breathe deep when I feel like I’m drowning and lean on friends to help remind my I’m not loosing my fucking mind, that I’m doing exactly what needed to be done. Lean on those who’ve been through it, lean on those who love you and truly know your soul. All the others who talk shit behind your back, taken sides… well screw them. Once you learn to love yourself, trust yourself and believe in yourself all the other naysayers… gossipers don’t really matter anymore. Be ready… because some of your friends who you thought were friends, may really be no friends at all. The person who speaks the loudest, through the process can come across as the victim. It took to tango, two to damage the relationship. Own your shit.. realize if you are looking from the outside there’s always two sides to every story but many don’t choose to remember that little tidbit. Don’t take it personal. If you do, you’ll go crazy and loose your fucking mind.(Again) This is where you separate, start again and keep those who are true and kind so close that all the others just fade away. All just a strange time… really. Just be prepared for ANYTHING!
I’ll write more about this at a later date, but realized you’re life as you knew it is over. Really… it’s over. No matter how hard you try to hold on, just relax…open up your palm and let go. Once you start letting go of what you imagined your life would be like, you can really start imagining a new life. A happier healthier life. But then something starts to happen the longer time passes. You begin to feel yourself heal, the tears become less and less and that bucket you’ve carried around for months for the river of tears, well you don’t need it anymore. But then, you calm down and realize it’s all part of the process, the journey for each of you. You’re kids are telling you over and over how happier you are. You laugh more, and feel lighter. So you know even with a new person for the ex in the picture it’s ok… because really in your heart you do want them to find happiness even though some days you may also never want to see them again ever!
Buckle up.. .because this life of mine, this new journey as a single mom is quite the ride. If you’re going through this too please message me. I would love to be there for you… REALLY!!! This is the time in your life when you need people who have gone through this the most. Remember when you feel like you can’t do this, you’re too scared. So many people have gone before you and they made it out happier, and experiencing the most amazing love they’ve ever known!